You'll Come A Waltzing PANTS with Me
by Sparkly Daleks
Summary: When her Vati announces they're moving to Kangaroo-a-gogo land aka Australia , Georgia panics. But as diasters unfold leading up to the moving day, will Georgia leave Merrie England with a bang, or a whimper? Set after "Dancing in my Nuddy Pants".
1. Chapter 1

**Wednesday August 27****th**

**My room**

**8:17pm **

Ho hum. Nothing much to do. I have some homework of course, but I'm not that desperate.

I'll phone Jas and see what she's up to.

**8:20pm **

Phoned Jas.

'Jas?'

'Yes?'

'What are you doing?'

'I'm doing my German homework, like we're supposed to. What are you doing, Georgia?'

'I can tell you what I'm not doing. I'm not doing my German homework.'

'But it's due on Friday!'

'You are a swot, Jazzy Spazzy and that is the sadnosity of your life. Who cares, is what I say. They wear lederhosen and call snogging _'knutschen'_. Is that enough proof of their insanity for you?'

'You'll get in trouble with Herr Kamyer.'

I had a sudden laughing spaz, and expected her to join in, but there was silence on the other end of the line and I realised she was serious.

'You are obviously delusional, Po.'

'Don't call me that. I still haven't forgiven you for reading my letters, you know. They were private.'

I ignored her. '_Vat _is _der_ point of doing the homework, Jas? I'm never going to Germany, anyway.'

'Well, you say that, but you never know.'

'What do you mean?'

'Well... Well...Er...Um...'

'Jas, hurry up, Father Christmas is coming along.'

'What if, say, Robbie kidnapped you and took you to Germany and left you there? Then you'd be stuck and you wouldn't know how to ask for a sandwich or anything, on account of not having done your German homework.'

She is quite clearly insane. I should call the psychiatrist now and be done with it.

'Jas, why the hell would Robbie want to kidnap me and take me to Germany? You have an overactive imagination _ma petite_ pal.'

She was getting huffy, I could tell. Miss Huffy Knickers was back. '_I've_ got an overactive imagination? What about _you_?'

'I don't know what you mean, Jas. I am a calm and sensible person at all times.'

Just then, Vati bounded into my room without knocking.

'Vati, please, I would appreciate it if you could respect my privacy for once.'

But he ignored me. The bearded loon was beside himself with joy. He was practically jumping up and down on the spot, like Libby when she has too much red cordial and goes all hyper and over-excited. But at least Libby, being three years old, looks cute when she is hyper (until of course she pees on the floor or something), whereas Vati just looked like a loon on loon pills.

He was saying, 'Guess what? Guess what?'

I sighed my vair, vair world-weary sigh and decided to humour him. 'What is it now, Vati?'

He beamed scarily. 'I've had a promotion!'

I thought, _oh, hooray! He's moving off to Kiwi-a-gogo land again. I'll be free of his bearded lunacy once more!_

But he wasn't done. 'We're moving to Australia. For six months, or maybe more!' And then he bounded out again.

The phone was still clutched to my ear and Jas was now having a nervy spaz on the other end. 'What? What? Gee, are you still there? Gee?'

As calmly as possible, I said, 'Vati is moving us to Kangaroo-a-gogo land.' I don't think it was very calm though, more like hysterical.

'Oh,' said Jas.

'_Oh_?! That's all you can say? Vati is moving us to Kangaroo-a-gogo land for six months or maybe even longer! This is beyond the Valley of Crap and into the Universe of Tragicosticus!

Jas said, 'What were you saying earlier about being calm and sensible at all times?'

I hung up on her. She does not deserve my love.

**9:25pm**

Jas phoned again, but I ignored it. The answering machine picked it up eventually and Jazzy Spazzy left a message. 'You're _ignorez-vousing_ me, aren't you, Georgia? You're being very juvenile, you know that, don't you? Hmmph.'

Miss Huffy Knickers was well and truly back in town.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thursday August 28****th**

**7:30am **

Roused from my slumber by Vati singing _Waltzing Matilda_ at top volume. When I went downstairs, he was jovially making tea and trying to dance at the same time. Mutti was there too, in a see-through dressing gown, drinking her coffee and smiling adoringly at him. Bleaurgh.

Vati was throwing himself around enthusiastically, swivelling his hips as he howled _Waltzing Matilda_. Apparently it is the unofficial national anthem of Kangaroo-a-gogo land. Bloody hell. They are nearly as bad as Germany. Mutti though thought Vati's performance was quite entertaining and instead of telling him to shut up, like any sensible woman would have, she just shook her head fondly and beamed my way.

She said, 'This will be a fantastic experience, won't it, Georgia? You'll love Australia, I know you will.'

Then Vati passed by her seat and she patted him on the bum. Erlack!!! That is not something you need to see at breakfast, or at any other time for that matter.

Vati winked at Mutti and said, 'That's my babe!' Then he glanced at me. 'Why are you pulling faces, Georgia?'

I am not talking to either of them.

**8:30am**

When I left the house, M + V were doing a joyful duet on _Click Go the Shears_. It is an Australian 'classic' about the joys of shearing sheep. Blimey O'Reilly.

Even Libby had joined in with the general spirit of Kangaroo-a-gogo-ness. She was wearing a red feather boa of Mutti's, an Akubra hat from God-knows-where, her Thomas the Tank Engine nightie and a pair of wellies and she was stomping around the kitchen, singing, 'WADS IN MAD HILDA!'

Angus just stared at them all like they were supremely mad (which they were) and he was the only sane one left in the family (apart from _moi_ of course).

How right you are, my furry-trousered friend. How right you are.

**8:45am**

Walked straight past Miss Huffy Knickers' house, but she came hurtling out so fast that her skirt blew up in the wind to reveal today's giant pantaloonies, shrieking, 'GEORGIAAA!'

I waited for her to join me on the footpath and then I said, 'Jas, you know the whole world can see your vair, vair gigantosticus knickers.'

She smoothed down her skirt. 'Oh, Gee, I'm sorry about last night. Are your Mutti and Vati really moving you to Kangaroo-a-gogo land? I'm sooooooo sorry.'

I said, 'Prove to me that you mean it.'

'How?'

'Do the Viking bison disco inferno dance outside the Foxwood gates.'

Jazzy Spazzy really lived up to her name then. 'No way, Georgia!' she shrieked. 'I'm not STUPID!'

I said, 'Oh, aren't you?'

Then she tried to duff me up and we ended up having _le grande_ bag fight all the way to Stalag 14, where Hawkeye yelled at us as we came through the gates, still whacking each other.

She snapped, 'Stop it, you silly girls! You gallivanting around so childishly in your uniform gives the whole school a bad name. That's a bad conduct mark,_ each_.'

Blimey O'Reilley's trousers! That is what you get for having fun around here. I do not believe Hawkeye was ever a teenage girl. She must have been born age 60 or something.

**English**

**9:00am**

Drowning in my sorrow. Hawkeye is rambling on about something up at the front of the room, but I can't be bothered listening. Soon, I will have to go to Kangaroo-a-gogo land school anyway and learn whatever they learn over there. How to ride kangaroos and fail at cricket, probably.

Rosie just passed me a note.

_**Why are you looking like a depressed zombie, Gee? Are you still missing the SG, off in Kiwi-a-gogo land? **_

_**Ro-Ro xxx **_

I sent back:

_The Loonleader (a.k.a my Vati) is moving us all to Kangaroo-a-gogo land for 6 months, or maybe even longer. __Gee x _

_**NON!!! **_

_Mais oui. C'est très, très mal, n'est pas? _

_**Oui. Most definitely. **_

Uh-oh. Hawkeye is looking this way.

**Break**

Now Rosie and I have a lunchtime detention. I tried to explain to Hawkeye that we were discussing vair important matters in our notes, but she just said icily, 'Georgia, would it trouble you to be quiet for once?'

We clustered together on the knicker-toasting rack in the science room at break and I told the Ace Gang of my sad plight of moving to Kangaroo-a-gogo. They were full of sympathy.

Mabs said, 'Here, have half my Rolos.' She is too kind.

Rosie said, 'We must have a leaving party for you! I'll get Sven to organise it. He's ace at organising parties.'

_Sacre bleu_! I could remember Sven's other efforts at organising parties and they were truly bonkers. Take the fish party, for example, or the teenage werewolf party.

I accidently snogged Dave the Laugh at the fish party. I really hope Radio Jas hasn't told anyone about that yet.

Otherwise, she will never broadcast again.

**Lunchtime**

**In detention**

Hahaha to Hawkeye. She thinks I am reading _Great Expectations_, but I have sneaked a copy of _Sugar_ magazine inside the pages and I am reading that instead. It has some excellent tips on make-up.

Rosie and I are sitting in the English room. We are not allowed to talk to each other and Hawkeye is at the front of the room marking test papers or something. I don't know what Ro-Ro is doing, as I am sitting a row in front of her, but I can tell you now, she is not, as she claims, reading _Hamlet_. I bet she has something planned.

**Fifteen minutes later**

Hawkeye has left the room!

I turned around and looked at Rosie. Her copy of _Hamlet_ was held up in front of her face, so all I could see was the top of her forehead.

I said, 'Hawkeye has left the building. Or at least, she has left the room.'

Ro-Ro said, 'Georgia, I have something to tell you.' She sounded serious for once in her life.

'What is it, Ro-Ro?'

'It's just, well...'

'What?'

'It's just something you need to know. I know something...'

OhmyGodohmyGod! Was it to do with my accidental snogging with Dave the Laugh? Oh, _sacre bleu_! I knew I shouldn't have told Jas about what happened at the fish party, _vis __à __vis_ me and Dave the Laugh!!! Brilliant. Radio Jas had leaked my secret to Rosie and the rest of the Ace Gang. I was going to kill her.

I swallowed. 'Rosie, what is it?'

She lowered her book.

She was wearing her beard. Then she yelled, 'Hoooooooorn!'

And we had a laughing spaz to end all laughing spazzes.

**Walking Home**

Although the business at lunchtime_ vis __à __vis_ Rosie and her beard made me forget about the Kangaroo-a-gogo situation for awhile, nothing can cheer me up. I am full of miserablosity.

Jas said, 'Georgia, stop moaning. You don't even know what Kangaroo-a-gogo is like.'

'I know what it is like Jas; I have seen _Neighbours_. It is like lots of tanned people standing around a barbecue all day, talking about the cricket and saying things like "Fair dinkum, mate" and "Strewth, you bloody ripper". When they are not fighting bushfires and bomb threats and plane crashes, etcetera.'

'They don't really have bomb threats and stuff like that every week, you know, Gee. That is just to increase the dramaticness of the show.'

'Still, they are as mad as two mad things, that is for certain. For God's sake, they wear thongs on their FEET! Even you, Jas, spokesperson for the clinically insane, would have to agree that that is not normal.'

**5:00pm**

**My room**

I am not talking to Mutti and Vati, the cause of my pain.

Never mind. There are others who love me.

Libby shares my pain. She came running into my room dressed like a cross between a drag queen, a zombie and a fairy and jumped on the bed, where I was lying.

I sat up and looked at her. 'Bibs, is that _my_ eyeliner you've used as blusher?'

'Kicks grows da shears!'

She had coloured in her face with my eyeliner pencil and drawn rings around her eyes with... oh poo, that was my new lippy!!! She was wearing her fairy wings over Mutti's black pencil skirt (worn as a strapless dress in her case) and topped off the look with her princess tiara and a jar full of body glitter in her hair.

'Bibs, that's not my new gold body glitter, is it? The stuff in your hair?'

She giggled. 'Gingey! Gingey! We go to Ozzy-straya! Yay!'

Hmmm. Maybe she doesn't share my pain, after all.

**5:10pm**

Ah, Angus. My furry loon.

He wandered into my room and jumped onto my bed. Now he was leaning over me and staring at me, his big yellow eyes about an inch away from my face.

Oh, Angus, my friend, what are we going to do with you when we jet off to Kangaroo-a-gogo land? The Next Doors and the Across the Roads certainly won't have him. Uncle Eddie?

Oh, God no.

**One minutes later**

Now he is sniffing at me. He is cuddling up against me and purring madly.

I love you too, you big loon.

Yes, my cat loves me. He has buried his head in my trouser pocket. Is this what cats do to show their affection?

**Two seconds later**

Oh, hang on. He was after the leftover chuddie in there.

**One second later**

Now he is eating it. Without even taking the wrapper off.

Angus my friend, you are truly mad.

**7:00pm**

Vati called up, 'Tea is ready!'

But I ignored him. That is what I am doing. I am refusing to speak to him or Mutti and I am going to starve myself. In a week they will come up to my room and find a skeleton in my bed and they will cry and say, 'She was obviously so traumatized at having to move to Kangaroo-a-gogo land that she starved herself! Oh, we are so horrible to force her to move.' Then they will feel guilt for the rest of their lives.

So hahaha, Mutti and Vati, because I am not moving.

My starvation period starts... now.

**8:30pm**

My resolve broke.

I snuck down to the kitchen and stole a Jammy Dodger from the cupboard.

Mmmm. Yum.

On the other nostril, I will now have to think of another plan.


	3. Chapter 3

**Friday August 29****th**

**Walking home**

Rosie said, 'I told Sven about you leaving for Kangaroo-a-gogo and he came up with an ace party theme!'

Uh-oh.

She said, 'The theme is gender swap! Girls have to come dressed as boys, and boys have to come dressed as girls.'

Bloody hell.

I said, 'Oh, _non_, _mon amie_!'

Ro-Ro smiled. '_Mais oui!' _

Ellen said, 'Shall, I, er, you know, um, invite, er... you know, or is that too, you know...'

Rosie said, 'Ellen, what are you trying to say here?'

'Well, should I, like, invite Dave the Laugh?'

'Of course! I will be there obviously and Georgia, you have to come because it's your party, and Jas, Ellen, Jools, Mabs; you lot are all coming and Honour and Soph can come too. And of course Sven will be there and we're inviting Tom, and Dave and Rollo and their mates too. Just a small gathering to say goodbye to you, Gee.'

They were all looking at me with utter sadnosity in their eyes. I felt a bit misty-eyed actually. I was going to have to leave the Ace Gang behind.

I hate my mutti and vati.

**4:30pm**

**Home**

Rosie rang.

She said, 'Everyone is coming! The party starts at seven on Saturday night. Get ready to dance!'

**6:30pm**

**In my room**

Lying on my bed, reading my meditation book.

Vati has just walked in.

I said, 'I'm not here right now.'

He ignored me and sat down on the edge of my bed. Oh no.

He said, 'Georgia, I know how you feel, believe me.'

Oh yes, Vati, I am sure. As sure as the fact that my nose is tiny and Angus is normal.

I sighed. 'Dad, why do we have to move to Australia? Can't you just say no to the job promotion?'

'But Georgia, this will earn us a lot of money. We can afford a bigger house and everything.'

I could feel my eyes filling up with tears. 'But I don't want to move! I'll be leaving all my friends behind and...and... What are we going to do with Angus?'

'I'm sure Grandad will take good care of him.'

Grandad?! Oh, dear _Gott_ in _Himmel_. By the time we got back, one or both of them would be dead.

Vati patted my head. Grrr. 'Anyway, you'll learn to love Australia. I'm surprised you haven't started packing already; we leave on Sunday.'

Sunday?! That meant that today was my last day at Stalag 14 for months!

And that on Saturday, I will see my dear pallies for the last time in ages.

My Ace Gang. I will miss you so.

**6:45pm **

**Packing **

What do I need in Kangaroo-a-gogo land? Some paper and a pen to write my will on, for when I inevitably get killed by a kangaroo, or a dingo, like in that movie with Nicole Kidman in it. I will also need three bikinis, because it is always hot over there, as _Neighbours_ proves, plus some shorts and miniskirts for decency and a jacket, just in case it gets a bit nippy noodles in the evenings.

Plus shoes: four pairs of high heels, some ballet flats, my boots, lots of flip-flops and maybe a pair of sneakers in case I have to go somewhere in the bush.

That should do it.

**8:00pm**

Where can I find some boys' clothes for this stupid party?

I have some sneakers, which boys wear and a pair of faded jeans, which boys also wear. But what can I wear on the top? Last time I checked, boys don't wear pink T-shirts with _Groove on, groovster _written on them.

**8:05pm**

I am only doing this because I am desperate.

'Hello?'

'Dave, it's Georgia.'

'Hello, Kittykat, what are you up to?'

'Er, Dave, you know how Rosie and Sven are throwing a party because of me leaving to go to Kangaroo-a-gogo land?'

'Yes. I am filled with sadness at the thought of you being no longer in my life, my gorgeous kittykat.'

I was speechless. Had he just said what I thought he'd said???

He continued. 'But, as the great philosopher said, "There are plenty more sexy kittykats in the sea."'

'Dave, what are on about? Are you going to miss me or not?'

He was humming. HUMMING! At a time like this! When I'd just asked him if he was going to miss me!

Hang on. He was humming _Waltzing Matilda_.

'Dave, shut up. I hate that song, my vati already spends every minute of my life singing it.'

There was silence.

'Dave?'

There was no reply.

'Dave? Are you still there? Dave?!'

Maybe our phone wasn't working. I wouldn't be surprised. I hung up and dialled again.

'Dave? Hello?'

He said, 'Do you want me to stop shutting up now?'

'DAVE!!!'

**Three minutes later**

He is going to meet me at the clock tower at 8:30 and give me a bag of boy clothes for the party.

**8:30pm**

**At the clock tower**

I could see Dave standing in front of the clock tower when I got there. There was a big bag at his feet.

He said, 'Here are the boy clothes you asked for,' and handed me the bag. Oof,it was heavy. Since when do boys wear rocks?

I looked at him suspiciously. 'Have you put rocks in there, Dave?'

'Would I mess around with you like that, Kittykat?'

'The answer... YES!'

He laughed like a laughing sort of person. Like Dave the Laugh. Which he is. A laugh, that is. And Dave. Shutup, brain!!!

Once he'd stopped doing Dave the Laugh-type laughing, he said, 'You owe me for this.'

I knew he meant I owed him a snog, so I quickly said, 'Oh yes, would you like me to lend you a skirt or something, for the party? I have a denim one. It's quite short but it is vair cool. Cool as an ice cube in winter in fact, or colder, like a polar bear eating a walrus that was made of ice-cubes in the Antarctic or something...'

What in the name of God's shorty pyjamas was I prattling on about now???

But Dave the Laugh did his Dave the Laugh-type laugh again... and then he snogged me.

I was thinking, No, no, no! Do not snog Dave the Laugh, even if he is a laugh, and gorgeous and cool and... Stop it!!! Do not snog him! He is your friend's sort-of-maybe-boyfriend and he is nothing to do with you – he is just a former snogging partner and your snoggee no more!

I was thinking all of that, but my lips didn't listen to me and just kept letting him snog me. They were kind of frozen, actually, like they had been given a freezing injection or something. Freezing lip injections.

Then I started laughing, thinking of lots of bunches of lips sitting in a freezer and all moving together at the same time and singing, like a lip choir... SHUTUP, BRAIN!!!

I had to stop snogging Dave the Laugh then, because I was laughing so hard.

He said, 'What's so funny?'

I said, 'I was thinking of all these singing lips, sitting in a freezer like a lip choir, just before they got their freezing lip injections...'

Why the hell did I have to say that out loud?!

Dave laughed and said, 'What are they singing?'

'Bohemian Rhapsody, last time I checked.'

'Excellent song choice.' Then he winked. 'See you at the party, Kittykat. Later.'

And he walked off.

**9:00pm**

**My room**

Great. Now I have done more accidental snogging with Dave the Laugh.

No one must know about this ever. I will take this with me to my grave.

I am _definitely_ not telling Radio Jas.


	4. Chapter 4

**Saturday August 30****th**

**3:00pm**

**Getting ready for my leaving party**

Looking through the bag of clothes Dave the Laugh gave me. There's a baggy old grey sweatshirt with a skull on the front, a stripy polo shirt from Marks and Spencer, some grotty-looking jeans with food stains on them (urrgh), a pair of mouldy sneakers, a black hoodie with a cross-eyed monkey on the front and a T-shirt with a picture of a camel on it.

And also, many, many large rocks. Of course.

Hmmm.

I put on my faded blue jeans and my sneakers, then put on Dave's camel T-shirt. It smelt like something had died in there. Typical boy - he hadn't bothered to wash it before giving it to me. Erlack-a-pongos!

Still, I am pretending to be a boy and boys stink. That is _le_ fact. I put Dave's monkey hoodie on. Now the look was complete.

Now for hair and make-up. Hair in sleek ponytail, nicely bouncing. And for make-up... foundation, eyeliner, mascara, gold eye-shadow, blusher and just a hint of body glitter on my cheeks.

I looked in the mirror.

Blimey O'Reilley's trousers. I look like a boy with a face full of make-up, girly hair... and nunga-nungas.

What kind of boy has nunga-nungas???

Grr... Stupid nunga-nungas. If it wasn't for them I might have a chance of looking like a boy. Well, and maybe taking off my make-up might help too.

**10 minutes later**

I have taken my make-up off. It feels weird to be going to a party without any – not even lip-gloss.

I found a baseball cap in Vati's wardrobe. It says _MANCHESTER UNITED_ on it. You know I am desperate when I am borrowing clothes off my vati.

I un-brushed my hair (to do this you hang your head down and brush the underside of your hair until you look like you've been electrocuted), tied it in a vair scruffy ponytail and stuffed it under my (well, Dad's) baseball cap.

If it wasn't for my enormous nunga-nungas and my general femininity, I could almost pass as a boy.

I put on my deepest voice, looked in the mirror hard and said, 'Ay-oop, m'lad. Tis a fine mornin' to be out, eh? How's yer lass? Good-o, it's time for a kick-around with the lads.'

God's shorty pyjamas! I have turned into my vati.

**3:15pm**

That will have to do. That is the best I can muster in terms of being a boy. I can't shrink my nunga-nungas or anything like that, can I?

Can I?

**3:17pm **

Costume – check. Hair – check. Make-up (not that I'm wearing any) – check.

It feels sensationally weird not to be wearing make-up when facing a party.

**One minute later**

Just a teensy bit of lip-gloss and mascara wouldn't hurt, would it?

**Five seconds later**

I should at least moisturise. Do boys use moisturiser?

**3:20pm**

God, this is boring. The party is still ages away and I'm already ready. There's nothing else to do.

Normally, when I have to get ready for a party, it takes hours. Boys only take ten minutes, or even less.

Where is the fun in that?

**7:00pm**

**Rosie's house**

Sven answered the door dressed like someone off the _Rocky Horror Show_. He was wearing a black corset with red laces, black Speedos, fishnet stockings, black platform boots and elbow length red fingerless gloves. He had on lots of red lipstick and quite a lot of thick eyeliner.

'_Ja!_ Welcome!'

'Er, hi, Sven.'

Inside, mad disco music was playing. There was a table of food in the middle of the room and a banner reading _FAREWELL GEO_ was strung from the ceiling.

A man in a beard and a hobo costume (Rosie) hobbled over to me. She said, 'The banner would have said _FAREWELL GEORGIA _but we ran out of room and Sven had used up all the red paint trying to paint the kitchen walls.'

I looked towards the kitchen, where it looked as though Sven had tried to recreate a scene from a horror movie. 'Very nice.'

She patted me on the head. 'You look very macho tonight, Georgia.'

Good God.

I could see the Rambling Couple standing at the food table, eating Wotsits and drinking mineral water, so I made my way over to them and said, 'Hello, Tom. Hello, Jas. Er, why are you two dressed exactly the same?'

Tom put his arm around Jas. They were both wearing tuxedos with top hats and bow ties and suspenders. The only difference was that Jas was wearing purple eye-shadow and some lippy and Tom wasn't.

Jas said, 'It's to show that women and men have equal rights and that extends to clothing too. If men can wear tuxedos and bow ties and that, so can women. Besides, Marlene Dietrich carried off the tux-and-top-hat look perfectly well. Why can't I?'

I nearly said, 'Because you are not Marlene Dietrich, you twit' but I didn't want things to get ugly at my leaving party, so I said, 'But Jas, I notice that you are wearing some make-up and Tom isn't. Surely he should be too, for equal rights?'

Tom said, 'I'm not stupid, Georgia. I don't want to look like a transvestite.' He glanced over at Sven, who was doing the worm on the floor and shouting in his native language (whatever that might be). 'Er, not that there's anything wrong with that, of course.'

Then Jas said, 'Oh look, Tom, Rosie's parents have a book on bird-watching on their bookshelf. Let's go have a look.' And she dragged him off to look at a book on the bookshelf.

Hahaha. How sad and swot-tastic their life is.

My boyfriend and I would never do sad stuff like bird-watching and doing homework...

Hang on. I don't have a boyfriend, do I?

_Merde_.

**7:30pm**

The doorbell rang and Dave the Laugh arrived.

Dave said, 'Sorry I'm late. I had to stop and keep picking up my nunga-nungas when they fell out.'

I stared at him. He was wearing pink stilettos (they looked quite groovy actually, but I wasn't going to tell him that) and a tiny denim mini-skirt that looked spectacular against his hairy legs. He was also wearing a tight pink sequined chiffon top that showed a lot of cleavage. Not that he had any. Instead, he had stuffed two rolls of loo paper down the front of his top.

He also had on a blonde wig and had done his make-up perfectly. It was quite scary actually. He had on sparkly lip-gloss and eye-shadow and blusher and... No.

But yes. It was true.

Dave the Laugh was wearing boy entrancers.

**In the kitchen**

Jas was for once not attached to Hunky's side, so I went to talk to her in the kitchen.

I said, 'Have you seen Dave the Laugh?'

She laughed and said, 'Yes, he looks quite funny, doesn't he?'

'Guess what? He is even wearing boy entrancers!'

Jas' mineral water shot out of her nose. 'Erlack! Erkk!' She started choking, so I banged her on the back a few times, but she just slapped my hands away. Hmmph. So much for gratitude.

'Boy entrancers!' she exclaimed, once she'd stopped choking. 'On Dave the Laugh! Oh, God, I've got to have a look.'

And she pattered off into the living room, still laughing like a hyena in a tuxedo.

**8:03pm**

Found Ellen on the dancefloor wearing a denim skirt, knee boots and a purple ruffled top, moving around in time to _Girls Just Wanna Have Fun_ by Cyndi Madhair. What mad twit told her to try dancing by herself? It just makes her look like a complete prat.

She said, 'I'm trying out that technique you recommended of dancing by myself to look cool, but he doesn't seem to be noticing me.'

She was looking over wistfully at Dave the Laugh, who was busy doing stupid disco dancing and pretending to be a girl.

I said, 'Ellen, why are you dressed like a girl?'

'Um, well, I am a girl.'

'But Ellen, unless you are a boy, you were meant to come dressed as a boy.'

'But, er, why?'

'Because, this is a gender swap party, _mon amie_.'

'Is it? Oh. I thought Rosie was joking about that.'

Honestly. You would get more sense out of a potato.

**9.00pm**

Rosie bought out a cake she and Sven had made earlier that day. It was brown and vair chocolaty, and was in the shape of Kangaroo-a-gogo land. There was even a tiny piece down the bottom for that place where they have the devils and tigers. Iced on top of the cake was a message: _S'laters Gee!!! _

I love my friends.

The cake was indeed yummy scrumboes. Ellen tried to put the tiny bit on a plate and said, 'I'll just have this bit...'

Jas, Top Girl at geoggers, interrupted, 'It's Tasmania.'

Ellen said, 'I'll just have Tasmania, then. I don't want to ruin my diet...'

But I was in good spirits, so I cut her a ginormous slice of cakey and shoved it into her hands and said, 'Blow your diet, Ellen! This is my leaving party! Everybody eat until they're full!'

And everybody clapped and demolished the cake.

**9:45pm**

I was grooving along with Jas, Rosie, Ellen, Jools and Mabs to the latest song (_I'm Just a Sweet Transvestite _from the Rocky Horror soundtrack – Sven's choice) when Dave the Laugh came up to me and started grooving next to me.

Jools said in my ear, 'Oo-er, Gee!'

I said, 'It's Ellen's sort-of-possible-boyfriend, you twit! He doesn't even like me at all!'

Then Dave said, 'Georgia, can we have a word, in the kitchen?'

I could hear Jools saying, 'Oo-er' again behind me and I could feel Tuxedo Woman (a.k.a Jas) staring at my back, thinking of the last time Dave and I got together in a kitchen at a party.

I said, 'Sure' and followed him to the kitchen, where I leaned against the sink with great casualosity. Look causal, look casual.

Dave the Laugh looked really serious for once. Uh-oh.

He said, 'Georgia, I haven't said it yet, but it's true. I'm really, really going to miss you when you leave for Australia.'

'Er, thanks, Dave.'

'I mean it.' He was gazing at me with eyes filled with sorrow, like Angus when he's desperate for some tuna chunks. 'Georgia, nothing fills my heart with happiness more than hearing your voice say, "Angus! Get off, you furry-trousered loon!" every time I ring you up on the phone.'

Then I was laughing and then he was laughing and then he moved forward and snogged me. I was pressed up against the sink snogging Dave the Laugh in a mini-skirt. Ellen's unofficial boyfriend. At my leaving party.

We got up to 6 ¼, and it was so groovy, snogging Dave, that I didn't care that he wasn't my boyfriend anymore, or that I was pressed up against the kitchen sink at my leaving party, or that he was wearing sparkly strawberry lip-gloss (it actually tasted quite nice) and a mini-skirt, or that anyone could walk in and find us in here. All I knew was that he was Dave the Laugh and this was the last time I would see him for six months, or even longer.

And then I fell into the sink.

There was a puddle of Coke on the kitchen floor and I slipped in it and flew back and fell into the sink. Luckily, Dave the Laugh caught me before I could hit my head on the stainless steel and probably die. He grabbed me and hauled me upright and I found I was quite literally, lying in his arms.

Dave propped me up again and said, 'Are you alright, Kittykat?'

'Fine,' I said weakly.

'Now then, where were we?'

And then he gently put me back on my feet and turned my face up towards his and snogged me again. It was beyond the Valley of Marvy and into the Universe of Totally Fab.

And then I noticed something, over Dave's shoulder. Rollo had walked into the kitchen with a can of Coke in his hand and was staring at us.

He yelled out, really loudly, 'Hey! Georgia's a lezzy! She's snogging a girl in the kitchen!'

And of course, everyone came running into the kitchen to have a perve at what was going on. All the boys were disappointed that it wasn't really a girl that I was snogging.

Dave broke away from me and turned around to face the agog mob. He said, 'If I'm a girl, that means that Georgia's a boy, you idiot.'

Rollo said, 'Yeah, a boy with huge nunga-nungas.'

I looked down at my nunga-nungas. They weren't that big, were they? Great. Now everyone was staring at them.

I looked up at everyone. Dave was as unfazed as two unfazed things, but everyone else was looking shocked. Jas was narrowing her eyes at me and Ellen was crying. Typico.

So I did what I thought was best.

I ran.


	5. Chapter 5

**10:30pm**

**Walking home**

It's only ten thirty but I'm going home already.

I feel really poo.

Great. Tomorrow I leave for Kangaroo-a-gogo land and all my friends hate me. And I will never see Dave the Laugh again.

Life is _merde_.

**Sunday August 31****st**

**10:00am**

**In my room**

Mutti has repacked my suitcase. It now has less high heels and more "sensible" items, such as rain jackets and hiking socks. Hiking socks??? There had better be no hiking at all in Kangaroo-a-gogo land, or else I am on the next plane back to Billy Shakespeare Land _pronto_.

We leave in three hours, so I've just got time to fix up my friendship with Jas. I cannot leave her for six months while she hates me.

**10:01am**

Rang Jas.

I waited until she picked up and then I heard her say, 'Hi, Jas, speaking. Who is this?' Hahaha, she has such a funny way of answering the phone – all posh and formal-like.

I said, 'Hi, Jas. It's me, Georgia.'

For a moment there was the sound of heavy breathing, and then she hung up.

Maybe I should try for Plan B.

**10:15am**

Walking to Jas' house. I am wearing half of our BEST FRIENDS necklace that we bought at the shops in Year 8 and a T-shirt with a smiley face on the front. I am also carrying a king-sized Toblerone. Jas has to forgive me.

I got to her house and knocked on the door. Jas's mutti answered. Jas is lucky to have such a nice mutti – one who wears baggy cardigans and welligogs and grows vegetables on an allotment. I bet her mum doesn't dress like a prostitute and do drunken dancing at an impromptu vicars-and-tarts party, like mine.

I gave Mrs Jas my best smile and she called up the stairs, 'Jas! It's Georgia!'

Jas, wally that she is, shouted down, 'I'm not here!'

Jas's mum looked at me funny but let me through, so I went upstairs. Jas was sitting in bed, surrounded by stuffed owls and doing her blodge homework while munching on a Jammy Dodger.

I put on a big smile and sat down next to her.

She said, 'Hello, ex-bestie. Please leave right now.'

'Oh, Jazzy Spazzy, I know you love me!'

'No, I don't. Get out and leave me alone.'

Charming.

I held out the Toblerone and she snatched it off me. She unwrapped it and started stuffing her face.

'Does this mean you forgive me?'

'Nguyhoo.' That was _no_ with a mouthful of chocolate.

'But Jas...'

She swallowed. 'Georgia, you are a callous sophisticate.'

'_Merci_...'

'Only without the sophisticate bit.'

'_Mais non_!'

'_Oui_.' She fixed me with her Wise Woman of the Forest stare, which was quite scary. 'I can't believe you, Georgia! Snogging someone else's boyfriend! At your leaving party!'

'He's not Ellen's boyfriend!

'Oh, _pardon moi_.' She was all sarcastic and she had nearly finished the Toblerone. That was quick. And she didn't even offer me any.

'Jas, please! I leave for Kangaroo-a-gogo land in three hours and I don't want to leave with a broken friendship!'

'Georgia, you are a complete turnip.'

'I...'

'I will never talk to you again...'

'But, Jazzy...'

'Unless you do a dare.'

Now that was more like it.

**10.45am**

**Outside the bus stop**

I cannot believe I have agreed to this.

'Jas, do I really have to have my piggy nose, as well?' I reached up to pull off the sticky tape.

'Yes, you do. Now, put your deely-boppers on straight.'

I stood up straight and wrapped my arms around my freezing body. 'Jas, I'm cold. It's winter for God's sake! This bikini is too small.'

'Tough.'

I stood there in Jas's bikini, deely-boppers on my head and my piggy nose. _Quelle horreur_. And it was about to get much worse.

'Start singing!' Jas urged.

My teeth were chattering as the first bus pulled up and all the old ladies were staring daggers at me as they got off.

And so I started singing. '_Oh_... Jas, I don't know the words.'

'Then make them up!'

'Oh, I love big butts and I cannot lie..."

'Dance!' yelled Jas. I waved my arms around miserably.

'You can do better than that, Gee!'

I was going to kill her. There would be nothing left except for a pair of massive knickers by the time I'd finished with her.

And then the next bus pulled up and who should get out of it but Dave the Laugh and his mates.

'Nice look, Georgia,' he grinned. 'Aren't you a bit nippy noodles, though?'

'Blame her!' I grunted, jerking my thumb in Jas's direction.

'So, why are you busking looking like that?'

My mouth, as usual, did not engage with my brain before spilling out rubbish. 'Oh, she said I had to do this dare otherwise she wouldn't be my friend ever again because of me snogging you at the party last night.'

Dave looked at Jas, looking amused. 'Is that so, Jas?'

She nodded defensively. 'Yes. You're mean to be Ellen's boyfriend, Dave!'

'Am I?'

I'm giving up on boys altogether, as they are clearly insane. I will become a lesbian nun in Kangaroo-a-gogo land. Or maybe I could just marry a wombat or something.

Jas gave Dave her best despairing look. 'Honestly, Dave. You should know who you're going out with.'

He shrugged. 'How should I know?'

Jas sighed and Dave turned to me. 'Let's cha-cha, Kittykat.'

**One minute later**

Now I am dancing down the street with Dave the Laugh, while he shouts, 'Cha-cha-cha! Nunga-nunga-nunga! Cha-cha-cha! Nunga-nunga-nunga!' It's quite fun, even though my nungas are doing the cha-cha all by themselves. I think Dave has noticed. Stop staring, Dave the Laugh! Stop cha-cha-ing, you stupid nungas!

It was all going well when a car pulled up at the curb and the window wound down. It was Hawkeye of all people who stuck her ugly head out. Hawkeye! Not at school? I thought she lived there.

She said, 'Georgia Nicolson! What on earth are you doing out in that...' Her eyes raked over Jas's bikini with obvious disgust '...swimming costume? And with that young gentleman from Foxwood?'

I suddenly realised that it wouldn't matter what I said, because I was leaving for Kangaroo-a-gogo land and Hawkeye couldn't do anything about it!!!

I said, 'It's none of your business, Hawkface! Now bog off.'

She gasped and turned red. 'Georgia Nicolson! Report to my office on Monday morning.'

I said, 'Hahahahaha. That is where you are wrong, Hawkeye, because I am moving to Australia! So hahaha to you.'

And then I grabbed Dave and did a twirl and then I ran down the street back to Jas. I grabbed my pile of clothes from her hand and went skipping back home, leaving Hawkeye croaking, 'What? What? What?!'

_Très magnifique, non_?

**11.00am**

**Home**

I walked into my room and found Mutti unpacking my suitcase.

'Mutti, what in the name of God's almighty undercrackers is going on?'

She smiled wearily and rolled her eyes. 'Your father's done his back in again.'

'How?'

'He was trying to do the limbo while dancing to _Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport_.'

I tried not to laugh.

'And that means, Georgia, that he can't take the position in Australia after all. It's going to someone else. We're staying here.'

I jumped in the air and did an almighty whoop of joy. 'We're not going! We're not going! Alert the prime minister and sound out the bells of England! We're not going!'

I wouldn't have to leave all my friends! Or Dave the Laugh! And...

Oh no.

Oh no.

I had snogged Dave the Laugh in front of everyone. I had made a complete prat of myself in front of all my friends. I had called Hawkeye "Hawkface" and told her to bog off, because I thought I would be moving to Kangaroo-a-gogo and wouldn't have to face her.

Oh, _merde_!!!

I headed for the door.

Mum said, 'Where are you going?'

I said, 'Anywhere but here!' And then I ran out, still in the deely-boppers, piggy nose and Jas's bikini.

**One minute later**

**In the middle of the street**

I have no idea where I'm going.

Do you think Jas would let me hide in her wardrobe until the year 2050?

**THE END... FOR NOW**

**A/N: Now, before you all start complaining about the ending, it was always going to end like this. I didn't just decide to end it like this on a spur of the moment. However, if people really love this story and want me to write about Georgia actually going to Australia, then let me know and I'll see what I can do. **


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